The War Within

Daniel S. Throop was awarded honorable mention in Drama in the 2020 Prison Writing Contest.

Every year, hundreds of imprisoned people from around the country submit poetry, fiction, nonfiction, and dramatic works to PEN America’s Prison Writing Contest, one of the few outlets of free expression for the country’s incarcerated population.

This piece is also featured in Breathe Into the Ground, the 2020 Prison Writing Awards Anthology.

THE WAR WITHIN

Contributors

Joe Lynn
George Wamboldt
Andrew Roderick
Bob Moniz
Carlos Lopez
Eric Beauregard

Cast List
Fear: Therapist
Change: Judge
Wayne: Prosecutor
Owen: Court Officer 1
Chris: Court Officer 2
George: C.O. Voiceover
Eric: Audience Member 1
Carlos: Audience Member 2
Bob: Audience Member 3
Daniel

Setting
The Massachusetts Treatment Center—Present Day.
Note: Monologues 2, 3, & 4 are delivered in a neutral “limbo” setting.

Scenes
Monologue 1 — MTC Dayroom
Scene 1 — MTC Dayroom
Monologue 2 — Limbo
Scene 2 — MTC Primary Group Room
Monologue 3 — Limbo
Scene 3 — Courtroom
Monologue 4 — Limbo
Scene 4 — MTC Dayroom
Monologue 5 — MTC Dayroom

Monologue-1

Fear
Good morning, North One. Here we are waking up on another Thursday morning, groggy and moody, not quite ready to deal with the day, and I bet you’re wondering who the hell this guy is and why he is here.

Well, I’ll tell you. I am actually familiar to all of you. I am essentially part of your everyday. I have been walking side by side with you your entire life. I am the feeling that prevents you from standing strong. I am the entity that can prevent you from taking chances, from believing in yourself. I am the shadow standing behind you directing your thoughts to decide that nothing in your life needs to change. I am the voice whispering to you that you will fail if you try anything different–see anything different. I am Fear.

I follow you like a stalking butler waiting for your attempt to reach out to a new hand desperate to find a new direction. I am the darkness behind the courage, behind the strength that lies within you, and I always manage to block the light of hope and the belief that you matter. (Sinister laugh…)

I can smell your fears–it is like standing in the center of a rose garden. Oh, how I love watching you sweat and shake, hearing the tremors in your voice when you introduce yourselves. God, I love my job. In the words of a fellow ambassador of fear, the Joker, “Why so serious?”

(Change walks to stage through the house, observing)

You’re not alone; even the therapists have panic buttons, and you can’t hide. Take all the classes you want. I will still be here. (laughing) Oh, I take such pride in my job—Somebody stop me!

Change
Wow, Fear, you sure are cocky, arrogant, and downright in denial. Yes, you have had some success, but don’t sleep. Don’t forget that I am Change. I have beaten you before and I will beat you again. Free will decides and I believe in humanity. I believe in the goodness of people. I also remember when you once stood on our side, the right side—the good side. So, I will say good luck to you sir—and game on!

Fear
Game on!

(Chris enters, crosses DL and sits)

Change
(laughs) Oh, this guy. He’s on the list.

Scene 1

Wayne
Hey Owen. What’s up?

Owen
It’s been one of those weeks; work’s been busy. What’s up with you?

Wayne
I started the Sexual Interests class. I didn’t realize it was so involved. A lot of material to absorb.

Owen
Dude, we’ve had this conversation before. What did I tell you about information overload?

Wayne
You told me to slow down.

Owen
Slow down! Exactly. Take your time and process the info. Have you been doing that?

Wayne
Well, I’ve been working the program, talking to my support group…stuff like that.

Owen
So, what did they suggest?

Wayne
I’ve been getting good feedback from them. They even suggested that I do a statement of change, even though I hate talking in front of others. I always feel like they’ll reject me. What do you think?

Owen
Okay, so let me tell you why I think the statement of change is important. Everyone who comes here eventually stands up and introduces themselves to the community. A majority of them stress that they want to understand why they did what they did. That’s fine, but what do you do with that information once you’ve got it?

Wayne
I’m not sure; I’m still trying to figure that out.

Owen
You use it to help you make changes in your life. Every one of us who has offended has a whole bag of shit we’ve been carrying around all of our lives, and most of us don’t know what to do about it.

It’s not enough to say, “I’m never going to do it again.” We have to find ways to change our behaviors and our thoughts so we’re better able to deal with that bag of shit.

Wayne
So, how does that apply to the statement of change?

Owen
I’ve learned that I do better when I make a commitment to something and I’m betting you’re the same. For me, the statement of change was a commitment to myself. Actually, it was a reaffirmation to change because I made the commitment a long time ago.

Wayne
I don’t know if I’ve changed all that much yet.

Owen
That doesn’t matter, you just have to want to. You also gotta realize that it doesn’t happen overnight. You’re gonna trip and make mistakes, but you can’t let that discourage you. You’ve got to be willing to pick yourself up, learn from your mistakes, and stick to your commitment. It’s about who you really are. Do you know who you are?

Wayne
I don’t really know—that’s what I’m trying to figure out.

Owen
Whoever you are today, it has taken you forty-four years to get here. You’re not going to change overnight. What you can change today is your commitment to change. And I think this is as good a place as any to start. What do you think? Are you ready to commit?

Wayne
Yeah, I think I am.

Owen
Then go get the sign-up sheet, and put your name on the first open date.

Wayne
The first date is April 11th.

Owen
Good for you. I’m proud of you. Okay, I gotta go. I’ll see you next week.

Wayne
Alright, I’ll see you around. (Owen exits)

Chris
Hey, Wayne, did I just hear you say that you want to do a statement of change?

Wayne
Yeah, that’s the plan.

Chris
Why do you want to do a statement of change all of a sudden?

Wayne
Well for one it’s a requirement and. . . (Chris interrupts)

Chris
Wait a minute. Doing a statement of change because it’s a requirement isn’t genuine. Sounds to me like you’re starting to drink the Kool-Aid.

Wayne
No, I get what you’re saying, but I’m also doing this for me, and I believe I have enough insight now.

Chris
Insight into what? The right amount of sugar to put in the Kool-Aid?

Wayne
What are you talking about? Why did you come here?

Chris
To get my good-time and go home—not to stand in front of everybody because some completer told me to.

Wayne
He just wants to help me and see me succeed.

Chris
Think about it Wayne. No he doesn’t. All he wants to do is use you as a puppet so he can further his goal of validation from the therapists.

Wayne
I did notice that he’s different when the therapists are around.

Chris
Exactly. If he really cared, he would’ve told you that you’re not ready for a statement of change.

Wayne
I am ready.

Chris
No, you’re not.

Wayne
Why not?

Chris
Because you’re in stage two and you don’t even know how this program works. You’re going to go up there and make a fool of yourself. Imagine how you’ll look up there.

Wayne
I know. I hate speaking in front of crowds.

Chris
Let me ask you a question.

Wayne
What’s that?

Chris
Are you one of those serial rapists you see on the news?

Wayne
Hell no!

Chris
So why are you gonna stand up there and paint yourself like one?

Wayne
I never thought of that. (Fear puts hand on Wayne)

Chris
Exactly. Nobody needs to know why you want to change. It’s none of their business. The only people who need to know is you and your family. Standing up there and giving a speech is strictly for validation from the therapists. Isn’t validation one of your treatment issues?

Wayne
Yeah, it’s one of them.

Chris
So it’s gonna look like you’re only doing it because the therapists made an announcement about it, and you’re taking the opportunity to shine. Plus, everyone is gonna think you’re a Kool-Aid sippin’ puppet, and I know you don’t want people talking about you like that.

Wayne
Hmmm. . . Damn!

(Transition to Monologue 2-Owen)

Owen
Change? Why did I need to change? I was thirty years old doing thirty to thirty-five years for aggravated rape and attempted murder. Everything was going great! For the first five years of my incarceration, I did nothing but get drunk and high. I couldn’t face the reality of what I’d done, so I hid from it like I’d always done with things I found difficult. There’s a phrase I’ve heard all too often during my time in prison: “I’ve been doing this all my life.” It’s one I’ve used myself, but I quickly follow that with, “How’s that working out for ya?” Change wasn’t something that was even on my radar. I was coasting along with not a care in the world—at least that’s what I was telling myself.

Change came to me from the most unlikely of places—the mouth of my then seven-year-old son Nicholas. We were in the visiting room when he asked me what I was in prison for. My wife and I had decided that when our two sons were old enough to ask, I would be the one to tell them. After I told my son what had happened, denying of course that I had committed the crime, he looked at me and said “No matter what you did, you will always be my dad, and I will always love you.” I went back to my cell that night, and all I could hear was that little boy’s words. All I could see was the look of unconditional love on his face. I made a decision that day, if not for myself, then for those two boys. I owed it to them to love them as they loved me, and I couldn’t do that from where I was. I never touched another drug or had another drink after that day.

I was lucky because right around that time, I met a group of men, mostly lifers, who had decided to change the way they were living. These men were considered hard-core criminals and knew they’d probably spend the rest of their lives in prison, yet they made a conscious choice to live their lives better. When I saw what they were doing and how it was changing them, I wanted some of that for myself. It was a decision that dramatically altered my life and the way in which I viewed the world.

One of the greatest awakenings I’ve had on this journey of change is my ability to empathize. When I offended against Tracy, I had no empathy. I cared only for myself with no thought to the consequences of my actions. It wasn’t until I tried to imagine what Tracy had gone through—what she is still probably going through today—that I realized the magnitude of my offending.

I believe that incarceration is intended to bring a measure of justice to those we’ve offended against, but there is no justice if we walk out of these walls the same way we came in. I know no matter what I do, I can never change what I did that night. If there is any justice to be had for Tracy, her family, my family, or my community as a whole, then I owe it to all of them and myself to leave these walls a better human being than the one who entered.

I learn something new everyday about myself, and to me, that’s the way life was meant to be lived. So ask yourself, “Why should I change?”

Scene 2—Primary Group

(Lights up on an empty stage)

C.O. Voiceover
Group E, Group E, to the line for a pat-down. Group E.

(George, Chris, Wayne, Owen, Eric, Man 1, Man 2, Man 3, Man 4 enter and set chairs in a semi-circle and sit down. Therapist enters and sets chair DR of circle. Fear and Change enter and move about upstage of circle throughout scene).

Therapist
Good morning everyone. (General response and first gesture)

Does anybody have anything this morning? (Silence from group)

(Change whispers to Wayne)

Wayne
I’m thinking about doing my statement of change. (Looks around for support. Silence from group.)

Therapist
Group!

(Group looks right, left, & center in unison and begins stomp-clap routine)

(First round of dialogue begins)

(Fear whispers to Chris)

Chris
Well, you know what I think. What is your motive behind doing your statement of change? Are you actually seeing change in yourself or do you just want a checkmark on your treatment plan?

Wayne
Um. . . well, ya see. . . I’ve been thinking about it and. . .

George
I’m new to this whole “treatment thing.” What is a statement of change, and how long do I have before I have to do one?

Therapist
What does the group think?

Carlos
More importantly, have you considered the Freudian implications regarding self-doubt?

Wayne
What? Is anybody sane going to support me on this?

(Wayne looks at Bob. Everyone looks at Bob. Bob looks panic stricken and says nothing as everyone stares at him.)

(Change whispers to Owen)

Owen
In my experience, helping many guys prepare successful statements of change, I have found vulnerability to be the key. Are you ready to be honest with yourself?

Eric
Do you get a checkmark for this because I didn’t see this in my treatment plan?

(Looks to therapist)

Therapist
What does the group think?

Carlos
I think you are in a really good place to do your statement of change. I have seen a big change in you, and you have been working hard at this.

(Fear whispers to Eric)

Eric
I’m not gonna put all my business out to the community to give these dudes ammo on me.

George
I think all you guys are crazy, man. I’m not doing any of this therapy shit. I just wanna get out of here and go back to Norfolk so I can eat good and get high.

Wayne
I don’t think any of this is helping me and I don’t think any of you are helping me.

SL Group look L.

SR Group look R.

All look C, V8 gesture, 2-hand slap knees.

Wayne observes and reacts.

Scene 2-4

(Round 2 of dialogue. In this round, each speaker stands for their line then sits back down. Fear and Change move upstage of circle silently prompting where indicated and reacting to dialogue.)

(Fear whispers to Chris)

Chris
Wayne, I see you breaking the rules all the time. Who are you trying to fool? (sits)

Eric
You’ve never even taken any accountability. (sits)

George
I see Wayne treating everybody fairly around here. I think he’s doing what he should be doing. (sits)

Eric
I’m starting to see people weaponizing therapy. Shouldn’t we be supporting this guy?

Therapist
What does the group think?

(Change whispers to Carlos)

Carlos
Your willingness to be vulnerable is the harbinger of your success. (sits)

Wayne
I’m not really getting a clear message here. Will somebody say something? I’m drowning here.

(Cast all looks at Bob. Bob stands and stares silently in panic. Sits.)

Owen
I think we’ve gotten off track. If Wayne feels that he’s ready to commit to change, we should support him.

George
I agree. I applaud the courage he is showing by taking this important step.

(The tide has shifted positively. Change punctuates this with a movement that the cast repeats.)

(Round 3 of dialogue. With each line, the cast member stands and steps DS so the semi-circle becomes a straight line. Each character does a repeating machine-like motion that continues until the entire cast has become a machine of compliance.)

George
You’re a good guy, man. Just keep moving forward.

Chris
The Kool-Aid is sweet, man, but the consequences bitter.

Bob
(Panic-stricken, makes inaudible sounds)

George
This therapy is a wild ride. Oooh, yeah!

Carlos
You know, I’m a Senior. You should be listening to me.

Owen
Be the change you want to see in this world.

Chris
How does that relate to your offending?

Eric
I have no idea what’s happening.

(Everyone freezes and looks to the therapist)

Therapist
What does the group think?

(Silence, then the group begins movement again saying “What does the group think?” until all are doing this in unison. Wayne crosses DC indicating confusion and frustration. Fear and Change move to each end of the line and initiate a tug of war using the line of characters as the rope.)

(Bob steps out of line and with great effort finally manages to say):

Bob
Hey! (Cast freezes and reacts with ad libs to their amazement) What’s for chow today? (Cast reacts and resumes machine movements)

Wayne
Enough!. . . (Cast stops, quietly file to chairs and sit with heads and arms down like ventriloquist dummies.)

(Silence) (Wayne starts monologue 3)

Monologue 3

Wayne
This is my decision, is it not? (looks to audience) All this noise. The confusion, the confliction. The question is, why am I doing this? Why do I want to do a statement of change? Am I doing this because it’s a requirement? (He chuckles and looks to the audience. He puts his head down and pauses.)

I can feel the fear, the fear of being judged, the fear of messing up and looking like a fool. Saying the wrong things, being socially rejected and of course, that is one of my risk factors— even Chris knew that. But you know something? This is my choice, not theirs, and this is a step toward the person I am working to become. I have been letting all these fears control my whole damn life, and you know what? I’m tired of it. I am taking the reins. This is my life and I want to start tearing down this wall of uncertainty that has prevented me from standing up for myself, from being myself. I need to start over. This is my time, my chance to commit to something positive. (Shakes head and looks to the audience)

I’m doing it. I’m going to stand in front of everyone: honest, transparent, and vulnerable. Cut the chain of fear from my leg and be true to myself and all of those who may also be afraid. It’s time to breathe a fresh breath on a new day.

(Change removes shackle and exits with Wayne)

(Cast exits with chairs in a military style)

Scene 3—Court

(Anger, Envy, and Hate enter and sit)

(Prosecutor enters. Court Officer 1 enters)

Officer 1
All rise. The Honorable Judge Sanders is presiding.

(Judge enters and sits at bench)

Judge
Good morning everyone.

Officer 1
You may be seated.

Judge
(Looks to Officer 1) How was your weekend?

Officer 1
Fine, sir. Thanks for asking.

Judge
Okay. (Claps hands) What’s on the docket today?

(Officer 2 enters with Fear)

Prosecutor
Your Honor, the Commonwealth stands before you today asking that the defendant, Mr. Fear, be removed from his post and be charged with one count of failure to obstruct change.

Judge
Say what? Didn’t I just give this jive turkey a second chance with a lenient and unsupervised probation?

Prosecutor
Yes, your Honor. The court has been most kind, but I do believe that it’s time we make an example of Mr. Fear.

Fear
No, wait. You have no proof that I failed. I just need more time, and I haven’t violated any of the conditions of my release.

Prosecutor
Your Honor, I would ask the court to enter exhibit A, the Fear shackle, into evidence. It was found near the scene where Mr. Fear was apprehended, proving that Fear was, once again, unsuccessful in his duty to obstruct change. I would also like the court to note that when Fear was found, he was in possession of…Kool-Aid!

Fear
Hey, that’s not mine. It was planted!

Judge
(Bangs gavel) Order in my Court! Kool-Aid, say what? Kool-Aid? You wanna be another one lost to the Kool-Aid crisis? It’s an epidemic out there.

Prosecutor
We gave you a second chance. I could have assigned this job to Anger, Envy, or Hate, but you promised results and failed me again. Fear, do you have anything to say for yourself? (Fear starts to respond) (Cutting him off) The court doesn’t need your excuses. If it would please the court, I would ask for an immediate judgment and sentence.

Judge
What does the Commonwealth have in mind?

Prosecutor
The Commonwealth asks for a six-month incarceration for failure to obstruct, followed by a six-month residential program for his Kool-Aid abuse.

Fear
No, your Honor. I didn’t drink the Kool-Aid. Please, your Honor…

Judge
Order. The court accepts the recommendation of the Commonwealth. In addition, the defendant must register and comply with the Emotional Failure Registry Board for life.

Fear
Anything but the Registry. . .

Judge
Bailiffs, take this jive turkey away from me.

(Court Officer 2 exits with Fear)

Court Officer 1
All rise. (Everyone stands. Judge exits. Cast follows.)

Monologue 4

George
My name is Staff Sergeant George Wamboldt, twelve years of honorable service, both home and abroad, with the United States Army. Raised in the home of a Marine, I quickly learned that emotions are weakness—used against you—and as a man, you need never know them. Strong, stoic, rigid. Unyielding is the measure of the man. Step forth and be counted among the many.

Fear is strong. It can hold even the strongest among us frozen in place. Years of training, conditioning: Don’t think—act. Weakness is emotion, death its bedmate. Your only reason— your purpose—is being a minister of death-praying for war. Yet, removed from the battlefield, from the holy doctrine of soldiering and instilled “life’s purpose”: broken, incomplete—who am I? This broken thing.

Fear sinks in deeply. Hushed tones tug at a heart long grown cold. Stuck. Who am I? Fear grips tighter. What am I now? Spiraling down, like water through a drain. Spiraling to Hell, drowning in nothing. And yet a shiny sparkle lights the dark. Warmth? Acceptance? Kindness for the lonely, broken thing? But hope dawns new fear—deeper, darker, disarming. Fear of loss now weighs heavily on these once-strong shoulders. A crushing pain and pressure pierce the chest. Hard to think, feel, or breathe when new judgment calls.

But take care my friends, for this is not the end. Change comes. Change for the good for the better surely must win the battle. Ushered by countless faces and places: faces of family and friends. Places of love, caring, and acceptance. Spoken in new life, like the words from the son you feared had found you disappointing, unmentionable, unworthy—unlovable. To hear now, how he wishes you there to guide him, yet will cherish advice given by phone. To include you in his still-very-nervous-and-unsure realization of looming parenthood. Welcoming you to his newly growing family as a grandparent-to-be.

Changing the view of oneself is wrought with fear. The enemy is resolute and always battle-ready. But with strength of will and a little courage to care and dare, with support and patience, and commitment, change for the better brings a new world—full of opportunity. Full of possibilities. Even for us—we broken things.

Scene 4

(The cast enters one at a time forming a line as they say their line)

Throop
For some, change is about being something you’re not. For others, change is about not being something you are. Recognizing the need for positive change is all that really matters. I changed because self-defeat is the worst way to lose.

Chris
C-H-A-N-G-E. Constantly Having A New Goal Emerge.

Eric
Change enables you to be a part of the solution instead of the problem.

George
Change for me was something needed for a new beginning with a newer, emotionally better and stronger me.

Carlos
El arrepentimiento es un don, que nace del corazón. Cuando es sincero, tiene frutos. Repentance is a gift that is born from the heart. When it is sincere, it bears fruit…

Owen
Change allows us to become better role models for our children.

Bob
We must change our direction to assure that we never repeat our past mistakes.

Wayne
Can we have a moment of silence for the victims of sexual and non-sexual violence?

(All bow heads. Change enters and is in the center of line before “moment” is done, ready for monologue 5.)

Monologue 5

Change
Change is having the courage to allow yourself to adapt to situations that are outside of your normal world—to be willing to take the road less traveled. Aren’t you tired of the same negative situations that have gotten you nowhere? Be open—listen to the things your ears are not used to. You may discover it is something you actually need to hear. Do not allow fear and other negative emotions to close your mind to solid, positive advice. Be OK ignoring the negative influences when solving daily challenges. Seek out those who support your cause, people who have your best interests at heart. The people who can help you gain the strength to power through vulnerability when you are outside of your comfort zone.

I know I’ve gotten through to some of you today. (Looks to audience) You, what does change mean to you?

Audience Member 1
Change means leaving prison a better person than when I came in.

Change
Yes. Who wants to come back to prison? (Looks to the audience) How about you sir? What does change mean to you?

Audience Member 2
Change is tackling fear and overcoming obstacles.

Change
Absolutely! While fear is necessary in our lives, negative fear indeed needs to be tackled. (Looks to audience) Let’s see. . . you. . . What does change mean to you?

Audience Member 3
To me, change is owning up to my flaws and actions while taking the steps to fix them.

Change
Exactly! Without change, we are stuck in a place of complacency. No one is perfect and we can always work on ourselves.

Wayne
Good morning, community. My name is Wayne. Today I’m going to do my statement of change.

Chris, Carlos, Bob, Owen
Change is necessary.

Throop, George, Eric
Change is growth.

Everyone
Change is life.

(Curtain)