A Game

Jane:

Tom:

Jane:

Marrell:

Tom:

Jane:

Tom:

Jean-Pierre:

Tom:

Jean-Pierre:

Marrell:

Jean-Pierre:

Tom:

Jean-Pierre:

Tom:

Tom:

Alan:

Marrell:

Tom:

Tom:

Marrell:

Tom:

Marrell:

Alan:

Time for the game
Time for you to leave the room Jane

Aw Tom I told you I don’t want to play

It’s a fast-moving game

(giving in and grabbing her coat) I’m putting on my
coat and I’m leaving in ten minutes
Even if the game’s not over
I Promised Maude’s Babysitter

(to Jane) Don’t put on your coat

Just leave the room and we’ll make up our story

Where should I go to leave the room

The bedroom I guess / Oh no

Not The Bedroom

(to Jean-Pierre) We have a baby
who sleeps in fifteen-minute increments
(She laughs an insane-sleep-deprived mother’s laugh.)
But it’s okay A baby doesn’t mean your life stops We
still have dinner parties

(?, to Marrell) We do

Well this is our first actually but we’ll
probably make this a weekly thing

GREAT I’m Free For All Foreseeable Weeks

Shhh

I’ll wait in the hall

Okay

When do I come back in

We’ll call you (Jane leaves.)

(to Jean-Pierre) Isn’t she great

(to the French guy) Have you ever played this game
Pierre

Jean-Pierre
No

What

I’ve never played this game

Oh

It’s a great game

Great
Are you sure she wants to play

Do people call you anything for short

Like what

JP
PJ

PJ
No

I’m glad to hear that

How do you people know each other

Alan and Jane and I went to college together
And Tom was there too actually

She means I worked there

Where

At the college
I mowed the ivy

I hate it when you make that joke

It’s not a joke

Yes it is
It’s some kind of horticultural slash socioeconomic joke

Oh man I Hate
horticultural slash socioeconomic jokes

(to Jean-Pierre) Their good fortune embarrasses them

You spent more time in the library than I did Tom

I was quite happy to better myself by inhaling their
privileged carbon dioxide

That sounds so bitter / why do you sound so bitter

I’m not bitter I’m grateful
(to Jean-Pierre) Through the ivy I met my wife

(to Jean-Pierre) The four of us have known each other forever

That sounds bleak Marrell

 (?) Forever
Since when did Forever become bleak Tom
(pointing across the room)
where did that plank come from

That’s not a plank Marrell That’s black maple

Why is it here

I’m going to use it for something
(SLIGHTEST PAUSE)

I guess I’m sort of begging you Tom that
before you bring any more things you’re Going To
Use For Something
into our home you first use all the things you’re
Going To Use For Something that are already here
(SLIGHT PAUSE)

So do we make up a story now

Yes What’s our story

What

Oh Right Here’s the thing

There is no story

I thought you said we make up a story

That’s just what you say

That’s what the person’s supposed to think/
That’s part of the fun

It’s confusing until you do it but it’s fun
We played it one night at a friend’s house

(?) Was it at a Dear Friend’s house

(ignoring Alan) This was before we had the baby

That’s the game

I don’t get it

There’s nothing not to get
That’s the game
There’s no story

That’s the point

What’s the point

It’s an interesting psychological exercise because
the player writes her own story

Oh but Jane hates games

This one is fun and funny

Jane could use some funny fun

Jane’ll be great

(?) But she thinks we’ve made up a story

Yes

(looking through the cupboards) Are you sure you don’t have anything else that’s not wine to drink

No

No you’re not sure

(in lowered tones) I thought you were cutting back

(in lowered tones) It’s still in the planning stages
She looks sad

(?) Jane
Because it’s only been a year

(in lowered tones, indicating Jean-Pierre) So why are you setting her up

(lowered tones) I’m not setting her up

(lowered tones) Marrell

(lowered tones) Because it’s been a whole year

(Jean-Pierre has lit up a cigarette and everyone stares at him. He puts out the cigarette.)

I’m sorry
I should have asked I’m
so used to being in places where everyone smokes

Well our infant son is trying to kick nicotine so

Tom
I’m sorry Jean-Pierre
I should make a sign

How many signs do you think we should have in the apartment Marell

I’m sorry
(Jane knocks on the door.)

(from off) Can I come back inside yet

(calling to Jane) Yes

(calling to Jane) Hi Jane

(calling to Jane) No
Wait
(to the people in the room) Did I explain the rules

No

If she asks a question that ends in a vowel we say No
If she asks a question that ends in a consonant we say Yes
If she asks a question that ends in a Y we say maybe

Vowel Yes
Consonant No
Y Maybe

(correcting Jean-Pierre) Other way around
Vowel No
Consonant Yes
Y Maybe

Right That’s it
Jane you can come in

(Jane reenters through the front door.)

Your neighbor wants to know if you can feed her cat
for a few days next week

(?) The super intense one

(?) The cat

The neighbor She’s
one of those people you’d rather talk about than to

But she’s a very destabilizing person because just when you’ve
written her off she’ll suddenly tell you your sweater’s really cute

She’s an evil genius

So what did you tell her

I smiled and nodded

(?) You nodded
So now I have to feed her cat in addition to feeding our baby

Uh are you equating the two responsibilities Marrell

I didn’t say yes I just smiled and nodded

Well non-commitally done Jane

(looking at her watch) Thank you So
I’m just supposed to start asking questions

Uh huh

Are you going to tell me when to start

Just start

Wait Did we tell you that you can only
ask Yes or No questions

No

You can only ask Yes or No questions

Really That seems so

What

(?) This is the fun game

Just Start

Okay I’m starting
Is the story real

(though Alan’s response is always a little delayed) Yes

Okay
Is the story about a man

Yes

Okay
About him um
only

Maybe

Oh Is the story about a woman

Yes

So it’s about a man and a woman

Yes

I got that right Okay do
they know each other

Yes

Are they close

No

But they’ve met

Yes

Would they like to know each other better

Yes

(admonishing) Were you listening at the door

Just lucky I guess Would they like to know each other
in a romantic way

Maybe

(?) They’re not sure

No

Or is one of them unaware of the attraction

Yes

Is it the man

Yes

So the man doesn’t know about the woman’s feelings

Yes

Am I especially good at this game

No

Okay uh
is the man married

Yes

All right
Is the woman married

Yes

I can’t believe you don’t think I’m good at this game

(Everyone, except Alan, gets that this isn’t really a question.)

No

Okay so the woman is she
married um
happily

Maybe

That’s confusing And she’s attracted to this other man

Yes

Okay Well
does her spouse know about his wife’s attraction to a married man

Yes

Does this bother her spouse

No

Is he extraordinarily mature

No

He sounds evolved

Yes

He’s evolved but not mature That seems contradictory

Maybe

Maybe
It sounds like you’re all going easy on this woman
It sounds like she should pay more attention to her
husband instead of fantasizing about this other guy

Maybe

These aren’t yes or no questions

Sorry Is this woman twenty

Maybe

Is she thirty

Maybe

You’re not giving me yes or no answers You’re not
making any sense
Is she thirty-five

No

Is she forty

Maybe

Stop it Is she thirty-eight

Yes

Finally
(SLIGHT PAUSE)
Wait a minute Is her husband alive

No
(SLIGHT PAUSE)

Is this woman someone we know

Yes

Someone we know very well

Yes

Someone in this room

Yes

Someone called
what I’m called

Yes
(SLIGHT PAUSE)

Is this supposed to be funny

(before he understands it’s a real question) Maybe

(SLIGHT PAUSE. Jane gets up to leave.)

Where are you going

Home

Don’t go Jane

(trying to grab her arm) No no It was just a game Jane /
There was no story
You made it up yourself
It’s just a fun
game

Come on Jane

(punctuating the above after Jane gets up) Jane Jane Jane

(as she grabs her bag, exits in a hurry)
How Many Times Do I have To Tell You
Jane Hates Games

Yes