Act I, Scene 1
A bedroom in a motel. A man and woman asleep in bed. Man is in underwear and T-shirt (or shirtless), and has dark hair. Woman is in a slip. Her name is Felicity.
Felicity wakes first. Wakes up startled. She has NO IDEA where she is. Looks over at the man; he’s still asleep. She gasps—she has no idea who he is. She peers closer—no, no idea.
She decides to sneak quietly out of the room. Finds her dress, starts to put it on.
MAN: Hey, how’d you sleep?
FELICITY: Fine. Thank you.
MAN: I was so drunk!
FELICITY: Really. That’s too bad. How do you feel now?
MAN: My head hurts, but I’m used to that.
FELICITY: Uh huh. Was… was I drunk too?
MAN: Were you drunk too??? (Laughs.)
FELICITY: Yes, that’s my question.
MAN: Oh, well I’m just repeating it because… wow… you were SO drunk. I mean “apocalypse now” kind of drunk. You were dancin’ like crazy, then you’d throw up, then you’d dance like crazy, and you’d throw up again. It was … kinda hot.
FELICITY: (Baffled why it’s hot.) Really?
MAN: Well not the vomit. I may have my kinky side—as you know.
(He looks at her knowingly; she looks blank, and worried.)
But it doesn’t include regurgitation. I just meant the crazy abandon of it. That’s whatwas hot.
FELICITY: I see. Well, I’m glad you had a good time. Maybe we’ll do it again some day. Do you know where my shoes are? I really should be going.
MAN: Going? I mean… going?
FELICITY: Well I have a feeling I may have appointments. My brain isn’t working yet, but I think I should get to my apartment.
MAN: Well, usually married people live together, no?
(She stares at him.)
FELICITY: What do you mean?
MAN: I’m just saying normally married people live together.
FELICITY: (Screams.) AAAAAAAAAAGGGGGHHHH.
MAN: What’s the matter?
FELICITY: Are you saying we got married last night?
MAN: Yeah. In between all the vomiting. You said you never put out unless you got married first. And I thought you were joking, but I decided to call your bluff. And we got married. See …. (He shows her a ring on his finger.)
FELICITY: Oh my God. (Looks at her hand.) But I don’t have a ring.
MAN: We got mugged on the way into the hotel.
FELICITY: Were we hurt?
MAN I don’t remember. I think you need to call and stop your credit cards though.
FELICITY: You mean my bag is gone?
MAN: Yeah, that’s what I mean.
FELICITY: Did they take your credit cards?
MAN: I don’t have any. I’m … footloose and fancy free.
FELICITY: Uh huh. And you don’t have any credit cards?
MAN: I don’t have good credit. I don’t like to pay bills. Plus I think food and electricity and housing should be free.
FELICITY: Do you have a job?
MAN: Um… well depends what you mean by a job.
FELICITY: I mean do you work and get paid?
MAN: I’m not sure what you mean.
FELICITY: Good God if we’re married, do you have any money? Do I have to earn everything?
MAN: It would be great if you earned everything. I should have asked you last night, but thanks for offering it now.
FELICITY: I’m not offering it, I’m just trying to figure out…
MAN: Hey. I do stuff. Sometimes I drive a big van in the middle of the night, and I deliver things, and I get paid. Or I get a tip from someone where I can… you know score something big. And sometimes I just find money…under a rock, you know.
FELICITY: Under a rock?
MAN: Yeah I do something for somebody, it’s a little dangerous, maybe a little illegal; and they tell me to go to some field and look for a tree by a rock, and underneath the rock there’s this envelope with like, you know, a lotta cash.
FELICITY: Oh I’m feeling scared. Am I an alcoholic? Did I have a blackout? Did you give me a date rape drug?
MAN: You mean like penicillin?
FELICITY: No, I mean roofies or something.
MAN: Roofies. (Laughs.) Baby, I don’t need to give anybody roofies to go to bed with them.
FELICITY: Well… is there… paperwork on this marriage?
MAN: I think so. Hold on.
FELICITY: If only I’m dreaming, and I can wake up.
MAN: That’s a hurtful thing to say. I have a temper, you know, be careful.
(Goes through a pile of his clothes, finds something underneath.)
Here it is.
(Hands her something folder-like.)
FELICITY: (Takes it.) It’s a menu.
MAN: Yeah, the marriage certificate is inside.
FELICITY: (She opens it.) Ah. So it is.
MAN: See. I told you.
FELICITY: (Looks at menu.) Did we get married at Hooters?
MAN: No. That’s where you threw up the first time. But Hooters told us of thisminister guy who also makes porno. And he married us.
FELICITY: Also makes porno. I’ve never met anyone who makes porno.
MAN: Yeah, that’s what you said last night. I hope you’re not going to repeat yourself a lot in our marriage. That would be a drag.
FELICITY: Well it’s obvious we should get this annulled.
(MAN darkens, gets really mad.)
MAN: (Vicious scary.) Who the fuck do you think you’re talking to? Get this annulled? You think I’m a refrigerator you can just send back to Sears?
FELICITY: Refrigerator?
MAN: I may have been drunk, but I gave a lot of thought to asking you to marry me. I’ve never been married. I said to myself, Zamir, it’s about time you got married. (To her again.) You said you liked me last night, don’t “dis” me by sayin’ you want an annulment. I mean, do you wanna keep your teeth? You want your lungs to keep workin’?
FELICITY: Oh my God. Okay, I see your point, don’t get angry. And what about Zamir? Is your name Zamir?
ZAMIR: Yeah. It’s Irish.
FELICITY: (Choosing not to argue.) Okay. Oh my. You see, I just don’t remember last night, not the marriage, not the sex, assuming there was sex, and of the sex I don’t remember, I don’t remember anything that was kinky. How do you define kinky?
ZAMIR: Oh baby, I’ll define it for you again tonight.
FELICITY: I mean I don’t know if you mean slightly kinky or truly disgusting.
ZAMIR: Oh, baby, talk dirty to me.
FELICITY: Look, I don’t even remember meeting you. I really think we should get an annulment.
(He makes angry sound and motion.)
Or what about a trial separation?
ZAMIR: God you’re making it worse and worse. I should tell you, my male ego is fragile, and when it gets bruised I can get violent. It’s a flaw in my character, but all the women in my family are dead.
FELICITY: What?
ZAMIR: No, they’re not dead. But they can tell you, I can get violent. Definitely don’t use your good china at dinner with me.
FELICITY: Okay thanks for the tip.
ZAMIR: When can I meet your parents?
FELICITY: Um. How about never? Is never good for you?
(He looks violent.)
No, I’m kidding. How about…this afternoon? I’ll call them right up.
ZAMIR: Oh, that’s the gal I married. Give me a kiss.
(He goes to kiss her, she pulls away.)
FELICITY: We should really brush our teeth.
ZAMIR: Ooooooh, kinky.
(She looks confused.)
End of Scene