CAST OF CHARACTERS
Lisa: 21-year-old daughter
David: 10-year-old son
Grandma: mother of Dad
Grandpa: father of Dad
Mom: mother of Lisa and David
Dad: father of Lisa and David
James Bond: eBay auctioned Male
News Reporter/Field Reporter
The SETTING is a living room of an apartment. Stage left is a TV that angles toward audience with a sofa in front of it. TV is a hollow frame and News Reporter is sitting behind it while reporting.
(The play opens with David, who is sitting on the couch playing with the TV remote. Grandma walks in with a big smile and joins Grandpa and parents already sitting at the dining table deep in conversation. Grandpa is turned sideways as if not wanting to be part of the conversation. Grandma lectures parents.)
Grandma: If you don’t act now, Lisa will be an old maid.
Grandpa: (sarcastically) For God’s sake, she’s only 21. It’s not the end of the world.
Grandma: (directing at Grandpa but looking at parents) This isn’t some blackjack game. It’s life. I want grandchildren before I—
Grandpa: (to self) Take her, God. Take her now. I’ve suffered 43 years. Have mercy on me.
Mom: I don’t want to rush her into anything.
Grandma: Rush? If you don’t rush her MORE, we’ll all be in the grave.
Grandpa: (to self) Take her, Lord. Maybe we can have some peace in this family.
Dad: I agree with Sara. She needs to finish college then . . .
Grandma: I don’t recall either of you waiting to finish college before jumping into the sack.
Mom: (embarrassed) Shh. (points to David)
Grandma: At least hear me out.
Grandpa: (to parents) Don’t do it. It’s a deathtrap.
Grandma: (slaps Grandpa on the back of the head) Why don’t you make yourself useful? Instead of being a vacuum cleaner sucking up everything.
(As Grandpa stands to walk away, he turns to the parents and gestures not to agree. Grandpa walks over to David.)
Dad: (looks to Grandma) Mother, what have you been up to?
Grandma: Me? Why would you say something like that?
Dad: Your right eye is twitching like a leaf in the wind.
Mom: (notices twitch) I’m going to regret asking, but I have to know. What have you done?
Grandma: Nothing . . . well, nothing bad that is.
Dad: (slaps his forehead and walks in circles in total disbelief) Oh God, she’s done it to us again. She won’t be satisfied until we’re miserable. (Grandpa notices Dad pacing the floor and grins.)
Grandpa: The old windbag has done it again.
David: There goes my allowance.
Grandpa: Mine too. Put it on the news. I need some cheering up. A murder. Accidental drowning . . . anything.
(Mom manages to get Dad to sit down then turns to Grandma.)
Mom: What did you do?
Grandma: Since you insist, I’ll tell you. (pauses then prides herself on her act) You know Pam, the old bat that lives down the street, who can barely hear. (waits for parents to nod) Her grandson, who by the way has two girlfriends, is a computer whiz.
Grandpa: (to David) A nerd with two blow-up dolls.
Grandma: He was searching through eBay. (to Mom) They have some bargains you wouldn’t believe.
Grandpa: (to David) I wonder if they sell muzzles on eBay?
Dad: Mother, is there a point to all of this? And what does it have to do with us?
Grandma: Stop being so impatient. (to Mom) He hasn’t changed a bit since he started wearing diapers. Always trying to poop before it’s time.
Grandpa: (to David) I hope that muzzle is heavy duty. With a trap like hers, we’re going to need industrial strength.
Grandma: Anyway, Pam’s grandson Mike was telling me that you can buy just about anything off eBay. Well, you know me, my curiosity got the best of me.
Grandpa: (to self) So did the Devil.
Grandma: I mentioned to Mike about Lisa’s dateless life, and he said he had the solution right there on eBay.
Mom: Tell me you didn’t.
Grandma: You’ll thank me later.
Grandpa: Something tells me a shotgun is going to be involved.
Dad: Mother, enough of your charade. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Grandma: Don’t have to raise your voice. For goodness sake, I’m your mother.
Grandpa: Oh God, let me be her executioner. Please . . . Please . . . Please. I’ll even go to church on Sunday. Put in a dollar donation.
Grandma: There was an online auction, and I was thinking about Lisa. I couldn’t resist after reading all the qualities.
Grandpa: Here comes the bomb.
Dad: HOW MUCH!!!
Grandma: (barely audible) Ten thousand.
Dad: (straining to hear) What was that?
Grandma: (modestly) Ten thousand.
Grandpa: Get a rope, David. It’s about to be high noon all over again.
Dad: Ten thousand! (pulling his hair) Ten thousand dollars! (to Mom) Ten thousand! Can you believe this . . . this . . . (pointing to Grandma) this . . .
Mom: Be nice.
Grandpa: Bitch. Crazy, deranged sounds good for starters.
News Reporter: We interrupt your regular programming to bring you this breaking story. The serial burglar has struck again. Our mobile crew is en route. As soon as we learn more, we’ll bring it to you live.
Dad: How are you planning to pay?
Grandma: Well, if it eases your mind any, I didn’t use YOUR money.
Dad: (signs) Thank God.
(Grandpa stares hard at Grandma. He has a sickly feeling about the money.)
Grandma: I took it from Grandpa’s stash.
Grandpa: (groans in agony) And the torture marches on.
David: Grandpa, you got a stash of money, and you were too stingy to buy me a Wii entertainment system?
Grandpa: Ah . . . I . . . I was saving it to buy you the complete system.
Mom: What you did wasn’t right. You should’ve consulted us. Lisa’s our daughter.
Dad: She’s right. We’re her parents and we have rights. (Grandma starts crying) I have a right to spoil her too.
Grandpa: I’d say let’s not spoil the child and let’s definitely not spare the rod on that old battle-ax’s behind.
Grandma: (hears Grandpa mumbling) What’s that, dear?
Grandma: Then the least thing you could do is show a little support.
Grandpa: As soon as they put the death penalty on the ballots for being a extremely stupid spouse, I’ll show you my support.
Dad: (to Grandma) Let’s call eBay and cancel this eBoy date . . . get your money back, and we’ll forget any of this ever happened.
(Grandma starts crying again.)
Grandpa: For God’s sake put a cork in it.
Mom: (comforts Grandma) We’ll make the call and—
Grandma: Won’t help. All bids were final and payment due immediately. I already transferred the funds. (The doorbell startles everyone but David, who jumps off the sofa and runs to the door to open it. eBoy—James—dressed in a navy suit enters. Mom is taken by his attractiveness. Dad notices this.)
Dad: Put your tongue back in your mouth.
Mom: Jake, do I detect a hint of jealousy?
Dad: Never mind that. We need to deal with this situation now. Lisa will be home soon.
(As Dad and Mom turn their attention to James, Grandma is already rushing to greet eBoy, who is somewhat frightened by the ecstatic oncoming Grandma)
Grandma: (extending her hand) You must be James.
James: (shakes hand) James Bond.
Grandpa: (out loud) Damn, boy, why don’t you do it in style? And say, “Bond. James Bond.” You certainly dress like the British spy. Or is that even your real name?
Grandma: (scolds Grandpa) Behave!
Grandpa: (waves her off and heads back to his seat) Bond. James Bond. What a load of crock.
James: It seems that I’ve come at a bad time.
Grandma: No, not at all. And never mind him. Let me introduce you to everyone. (gestures to Mom and Dad) That’s Sarah and Jake. Lisa’s parents. (gestures to David) That’s David. Lisa’s younger brother.
David: (excited) Are you related to James Bond?
James: I’m afraid not.
Grandma: (turns toward Grandpa) That’s my husband.
Grandpa: Must you insult me in front of a guest?
James: (looks at everyone) Nice to meet all of you. (eyes scanning the room)
Grandma: (reads James’s thoughts) Lisa will be here shortly. Would you like anything to drink?
Grandpa: Probably a martini…stirred not shaken.
Mom: What do you do for a living?
James: I’m in the exporting business.
Dad: Why would you auction yourself on eBay? Handsome guy like you shouldn’t have a problem with getting a date. I just don’t get it.
James: It’s for charity.
Grandpa: Probably the Idiot Foundation of America. Chaired by—
Dad: That’s enough. (to James) I must apologize for my family’s behavior. Your coming was just revealed to us. (gestures to the dining room chair) Why don’t you have seat?
(James nods and takes a seat while Mom and Dad walk to the middle of the stage)
Mom: What do we do?
Dad: Not much. Let this thing play out.
Mom: I don’t blame your mother for not giving up on the bidding. He’s definitely a looker.
Dad: So’s our neighbor’s Pekinese, but you don’t see me forking ten thousand dollars to date our daughter.
(Grandpa walks over to James and whispers)
Grandpa: You might want to get out while you still got a chance. (Points to Grandma) When she’s done with you . . . (shivers) You’ll be wondering where your manhood went.
Grandma: (walks over and gives Grandpa a nasty look) What are you doing?
Grandpa: Nothing. Just having a little man to man talk.
Grandma: I seriously doubt he’s got a “little man.” (Grandpa gives Grandma a dirty look and walks over to David, who is watching TV again.)
News Reporter: We interrupt your regular programming to bring you this breaking story. The serial burglar has struck again. Our reporter is at the scene.
Field Reporter (VO): This is Bob Busy, reporting across the street from where the twenty-sixth burglary took place. Not much has been revealed to the public. But this reporter knows how to debrief a cop without getting caught.
News Reporter: What exactly did you discover during the debriefing?
Field Reporter (VO): There’s not much here to work with. However, I managed to learn the family was found bound approximately an hour ago by a relative, who, get this, who was over to have an afternoon quickie with his brother’s wife. I can tell you the burglar is a white male. The Police are interviewing the victims. As soon as more information is made available, we’ll bring it to you live. This is reporting live from Southwest Houston.
News Reporter: We will certainly continue to monitor this developing story. We now return you to your regular programming already in progress.
(Lisa walks in with Drew, who is dressed in all black and has unkempt hair and a rough look about him. They seem to be happy in each other’s company. Everyone is puzzled by this new development)
Lisa: Everyone, this is Drew. You’re going to love him.
Mom: (rushes to Lisa and pulls her to the side) What’s the meaning of this?
Lisa: He’s my new boyfriend. Isn’t he just the cutest?
Mom: (sneers) Cute isn’t the word I had in mind. Thief . . . Murderer—
Lisa: You just don’t know him like I do.
(Grandma walks up.)
Mom: How long has this been going on?
Lisa: Since this afternoon. It was love at first sight. He was running a stop sign and I was rushing home and we barely avoided an accident. Anyway, he’s a cool guy.
Grandma: Lisa, honey, I want you to meet James Bond. He’s your date tonight.
Lisa: Like hell he is!
(Dad circles Drew, trying to size him up. A very skeptical Grandpa joins him.)
Drew: What are you looking at? I didn’t come here to be dinner.
Grandpa: Looks like the serial burglar if you ask me.
Dad: Well, I didn’t.
Grandpa: Thought I’d share my thoughts with you. If you’ve got something of value in this house I would keep a good eye on it. Since your mother has wiped out my stash I have nothing to worry about, but I think I would go ahead and call the cops.
Dad: Are you crazy?
Grandpa: No, your mother certainly is though.
Grandma: Lisa, you can’t marry this— this— this boy from the wrong side of the tracks. Think what my grandchildren might look like.
Lisa: First of all, I’m not marrying Drew. We’re dating. Second of all, who’s this James Bond?
Mom: We won him on eBay auction for you.
(Lisa is infuriated and storms over to Drew.)
Lisa: Let’s get out of here.
Drew: We just got here. I haven’t even cased this joint out yet.
Grandpa: (to Dad) You hear that? He hasn’t cased the joint out yet. If you don’t call the cops—
Dad: Stop it, Dad.
Grandpa: (raises hands) Okay, suit yourself. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.
David: Grandpa, the news again.
News Reporter: Good evening, we interrupt your program to update you on the developing story we’ve been covering. The Police have released additional info about the serial burglar. He is a white male, dressed in black, rough in appearance. A sketch will be released soon.
(Everyone stares at Drew and panic sets in. Grandpa grabs David and moves away from Drew.)
(News Reporter steps out from behind the TV and dons a Police hat and becomes POLICE OFFICER.)
Police Officer: Anyone here owns the mini-van parked outside with the license plate JB 007?
(James runs for the door, knocks Grandma down, and stumbles across the stage, then tries to get up. Police Officer tackles him to the ground then handcuffs him. News Reporter takes off his hat and pulls out his microphone.)
News Reporter: Good evening, we interrupt your program bring you live coverage on the developing story we’ve been covering. The Police have released additional info about the serial burglar. He is a white male, dressed in black, rough in appearance. He uses eBay auctions as the means to target his victims. He uses the fictional name of James Bond. He should be considered armed and dangerous. If you have any information on this, please call the local authority.
(As James is being lead away, everyone closes on Grandma and stage lights dim.)