Horse the Caterpillar
In the world that I lived, I felt attached to its walls. These walls had no corners for there was no place to hide.
In the beginning of this life I felt raped, entered by a foreign member of yet another world. Penetrated by something faceless and determined.
As time passed, the walls of this world seemed to come in on me. I felt I had nowhere to go. I felt smothered yet somehow safe as the walls closed in on me.
Did I tell you that I was blind in the beginning of my life? I was deaf also. For what seemed like forever I could not see nor hear.
Over time my sight and sound began to come to me. My world was filled with blurred sights and muffled sounds.
My eyes saw only a murky version of black. My ears first heard the steady drum of an unknown source.
On occasion I could hear loud, angry voices from another world that I did not know. And then came the sleep.
Everything was fine in my world. The tranquil murky blackness enveloping me, the muffled sounds that traveled to my world. And then a caterpillar would enter my brain. A furry, soft caterpillar. He would hum his soothing song and I would sleep. I enjoyed the sleep.
Sometimes when I woke, I would stir and oftentimes when I stirred, my world would fall in on me, repeatedly fall in on me and the muffled voice in my head would scream, “GET OUT, GET OUT!”
The voices that moved beyond my murky darkness were filled with fear and hate, filled with longing for something that they could not get.
When the voices from beyond would cease their echoing screams, that’s when my world would quake I felt the tremble through my whole body. And the pain, oh the pain was ungodly. The furry, soft caterpillar that would hum soothing song was no longer serene.
His soft fur would turn to quills and he would swim about in my head, making his way through my entire body looking for a way to escape the pain.
Then there was the sudden tranquility. All at once my world would settle and the soft, furry caterpillar was back once again humming his beautiful song.
I got used to my friend the caterpillar. I knew that the pain wasn’t his fault. I feared not the pain through its agony for I knew that bliss was near. I cherished my caterpillar for he was everything to me.
Though the outside world pummeled me I did not bruise. I rode the waves in my murky world with each blow that was sent to do me in, to kill me, to be rid of me, those who did not want me I don’t even know what was, if anything at all. Could I have been a dream from someone else’s sleep? I wondered why I was.
One day there was the greatest quake of all. The pain was unreal sent straight from the bowles of imagination. The cries from the ones who lived outside my world were now crossed with the sounds of clanking chains and slamming metal doors. My world was somehow restrained for there was no pummeling. The sea about me was calm, except for that damned quake.
My friend the caterpillar was no longer my friend. He was killing me and I hated him! I wanted him to find a way out, to end the pain. I prayed for the bliss but it did not come. Only the pain, the godforsaken pain.
I could hear the pain, it has a voice you know. Unlike anything you’ve ever heard. The sound is like millions of sinful caterpillars spawning from the depths of hell.
My world had crushed me, literally crushed me. The pain of the crushing matched with the pain of my caterpillar eating his way out of my body. I prayed for death as I’d prayed for bliss yet neither came.
Just as I thought that the pain would surely bring death, my world suddenly turned white, bright, cold, and terrifying. I lay screaming and shaking on a concrete floor, my trembling body rippling the pool of blood I lay in. As terrified as I was, I did not scream from fear. It was the pain that sent me howling for relief. I screamed for death to come and take me. The caterpillar had ravaged every bit of my mind and body. I craved not bliss now, only sweet death.
I realized then what I was. I don’t know why I was but I did know what I was. I was born in a county jail holding cell. I was born alone. I was born unloved. I was born unwanted. I was born addicted.