On Public Lives/Private Lives

The Man

One day, in a certain country, a man with two heads appeared. He was considered to be a monster, and not a man.

In another country, there appeared a man who was always happy. He was considered to be a monster, and not a man.

Poetry

They built a prison whose outer boundary was surrounded by a wire fence where some of the most beautiful poems of the nation’s leading poets had been written, by twisting the wires.

This fence of verses that surrounded the entire prison was electrified: whoever touched it would get a lethal shock.

The Malfunction

Due to an inexplicable electric short-circuit, the official who pulled the switch was electrocuted instead of the criminal who was seated in the chair.

As it proved impossible to fix the malfunction, on subsequent occasions the government official sat in the electric chair while the criminal was the one who pulled the lethal switch.

The Castle

Just like all kings, that king had a castle and a large army. The only problem was that the castle was exceedingly small: it was no more than ten metres in length by nine metres in width. The numerous soldiers, the king, the queen, the princess, the bishop and the wise men all lived in this extremely crowded castle, barely able to move an inch. It was thus no wonder that the king spent all his time ordering attacks on other kingdoms.

Too Early

The war began before the maps were ready. By mistake, the entire army—with its thousands of soldiers, cannons and tanks—inadvertently entered a dead-end.

The Coat

As he believed he had a guardian angel in his coat, he never took it off.

When they wanted to recruit him for the war, he immediately said yes, as long as he could fight while wearing his coat. My coat has an angel inside it that protects me, he explained.

Of course the military authorities did not accept this. Nobody fights without a uniform. The man with the coat insisted, but there was nothing to be done. They did not accept him. He remained at home.

Each and every one of the soldiers who went to war died.

The Unemployed Man with Children

They told him: we’ll only offer you a job if we can cut off your hand.

He had been unemployed for a long time and had children, so he agreed.

Later, he was fired and again began to look for work.

They told him: we’ll only offer you a job if we can cut off the hand you still have.

He had been unemployed for a long time and had children, so he agreed.

Later, he was fired and again began to look for work.

They told him: we’ll only offer you a job if we can cut off your head.

He had been unemployed for a long time and had children, so he agreed.

The Man Who Had No Manners

The ill-mannered man would not remove his hat in any situation. Not when ladies walked past him, nor during important meetings, not even when he entered a church.

Slowly, the people began to feel repelled by this man’s rudeness and, over the years, this aggressiveness grew until it reached an extreme: the man was sentenced to the guillotine.

On the day of the beheading, they placed his head on the block, as always, proudly wearing his hat.

Everyone waited.

The blade of the guillotine dropped and the head rolled off.

Nevertheless, the hat remained firmly on his head.

They then drew closer, to finally yank that hat off that ill-mannered creature’s head. But they could not.

It was not a hat, it was the head itself that had a strange shape.

The Revolt

For the King, it was of fundamental importance that the entire population, without exception, be satisfied.

When that foreigner who was extremely happy and had six fingers on each hand appeared, the King ordered that the doctors of the Realm were to implant another finger on every inhabitant. And that the doctors were to do the same thing to each other. Nobody would envy the six fingers of that foreigner.

And it was thus. Everyone ended up with six fingers on each hand.

The following year another foreigner arrived—with an even happier air—who had seven fingers on each hand.

The King once again ordered the doctors of the Realm to implant another finger on the hands of every inhabitant. And this was done.

The following year, a foreigner with eight fingers on each hand, who exuded happiness from every pore, caused a new wave of implants: an eighth finger.

The following year: a foreigner with nine fingers. And even happier.

The same operation. All the inhabitants of the Realm now had nine fingers on each hand. Eighteen in all.

It was then that in the following year a foreigner arrived with the happiest face that had ever been seen in those parts and with five fingers on each hand.

After a moment’s hesitation, the King ordered his doctors to cut off four fingers per hand from each inhabitant.

However, there was a problem. The nine fingers on each of the surgeons’ hands could no longer operate: the fingers hindered each other. It was no longer possible: they would all have to remain with nine fingers on each hand.

As the King was unable to give the population the five fingers of that happy foreigner, a revolt broke out, and the King was deposed.