Mars(eillaise)
This week in the PEN Poetry Series, PEN America features a poem by Purdey Lord Kreiden.
Mars(eillaise)
First I was intoxicated with rubbing my pussy
Lightly against the chair upon which I was sitting,
Rocking back and forth for ages then with running
Around my grandparents’ pillars to get dizzy
Then with sitting on my legs for a long time
To get my limbs all numb with les fourmis after
That I got hooked on baby bottle filled with coca
Cola then milk then on drinking anything out of a baby
Bottle and on getting fed by my grandmother without
Having to hold the fork myself to my mouth
Then I discovered masturbation that occupied me
For a while then I was hooked on the feeling that
Ran through me when I rubbed my leg against
Maxime Givetogod’s legs in grammar school
Then I got hooked on what the other kids could think
Of me the whole time the masturbation thing
Was a big thing and never sobering, I remember
Doing it when my mom came to sit on my bed
Before bedtime, at lunchtime after school and
Before going back, through jeans that I wore out
Until there was a washed out pearl-colored angel
Ring at the crotch of all my jeans then it was herbal
Cigarettes oh I forgot in between that I was hooked
On reading my writings to the class, they were
Fairytales which I generously sprinkled with the names
Of the kids I wanted to be liked by, and I would write
One each day at lunch break, and one each night
So I could read it the next morning to the class,
That was a big thrill after the herbal cigarettes
I was drunk on letting a small piece of my underwear
Appear so that the boys in my school would look
At my butt and try to touch it as I passed
At the same time it drunkens me to sit on those boys’
Knees and when they patted my ass with clumzy paws
And to tongue the air at them in arts and craft classes;
Then I didn’t sober and I went straight to smoking Chesterfields
Red and then I was drunk on drinks, I drank vodka for the first
Time and went to music classes drunk after lunch and my conception
Of the universe changed into a calm bowl of pale porridge;
Suddenly life was a melopy I could panflute anywhere if
Only I had a vodka-caramel bottle in my bag, which I always
Did, hidden in a plastic water bottle then I was on more and more
Vodka, I drank it in the bus to Marseille in the morning then I did an
Ethylic coma after that I got drunk on ectasy pills the first one
I ever had my god the sun rose after ten or twelve hours
Of dancing and I’ve never felt so happy in my entire life
And Modeselektor was playing sounds in between ectasy pills
I thought about them so hard I finally got hooked on an energy drink
Called Dark Dog, which is now forbidden, and which tasted
Like a very friendly sour cherry. At the same time I was drunk by
White nights and taking pictures in the early mornings
When the streets were asleep and then I was on Paradise
Which is a mix of mdma and mescaline and when Louie
Gave it to me for the first time he laced it with grenadine
And we walked on the port to go to the movies and the sea
And the people and the sun all looked like they were
In 3D, and I was on being in love with my gay best friend,
Which was a big thrill then I was hooked on so much coffee
My heart almost exploded then I drank wine and beer and I got drugged
By merely dancing until clubs closed in the morning
And my eyes remained closed too as I walked out of them
In Paris (by that time I had started to be addicted to living alone
For the first time and eating only pasta with nothing in it
And drinking and drinking and my days were bright) Soon
I got also hooked on eating raw meat and steak tartares
And going to the restaurant each nights then I was addicted
To dancing and being seen as I did and pretending
To ignore I was and at the same time I was hooked
On a german composer guy called Dominik and I would drink half
A bottle of tequila in the lobby of his building before gravitating
To the seventh floor which sheltered his house and the whole time
I was intoxicated by fucking all the time and then I was
On mdma and then I was on Biche and we were hooked
On speed and mdma and beer and amazement and whiskey
And trains and cities we barely looked at every night
We would drink a bottle a whole bottle of whiskey and erase our
Memories then I was making collages and then I was high
On being very sick and almost dying that took three
Weeks to happen at the exact same time of the year three
Years ago and I died for Easter day and resurrected just
Like him for a week at the hospital I was high on morphine
And the nurses all laughed at me because they thought I was addicted
To ketamine, then I was home high on sodomy because I’d been advised
By the medicinal corps not to have any sort of sexual intercourse
And I was then on whiskey and on Biche again and then
I was given Lamaline suppositories for the pain
In my belly so I started being addicted to that and then
Once I couldn’t get them without prescription so the pharmacist
Gave me three boxes of codeinated paracetamol pills
Instead and I took them with disbelief and I’ve been amorously
Taking them twice a day ever since; that was three years ago
And now I still can’t write sober and it sucks I think but I don’t
Know if it does because writing all this to you amazes me and I
Think it’s a miracle a miracle my fantasy is we are silent
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